1.
"I’m not saying I’m Batman, but have you ever seen me and Batman in the same room?"
"I’m not saying I’m Batman, but have you ever seen me and Batman in the same room?"
2.
"I have a 6-pack… somewhere under all this pizza."
"I have a 6-pack… somewhere under all this pizza."
3.
"I love my job only when I’m on vacation."
"I love my job only when I’m on vacation."
4.
"If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you."
"If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you."
5.
"Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days? They’re a little shady."
"Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days? They’re a little shady."
6.
"My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. It’s called lunch."
"My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. It’s called lunch."
7.
"I’m not overweight; I’m just under-tall."
"I’m not overweight; I’m just under-tall."
8.
"I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case there’s cheesecake."
"I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case there’s cheesecake."
9.
"Why don’t oysters donate to charity? Because they’re shellfish."
"Why don’t oysters donate to charity? Because they’re shellfish."
10.
"I didn’t fall; the floor just needed a hug."
"I didn’t fall; the floor just needed a hug."
11.
"Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it the most never use it."
"Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it the most never use it."
12.
"I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me KitKats."
"I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me KitKats."
13.
"I tried to lose weight, but it keeps finding me."
"I tried to lose weight, but it keeps finding me."
14.
"I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong."
"I’d agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong."
15.
"I’m not clumsy. It’s just the floor hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way."
"I’m not clumsy. It’s just the floor hates me, the table and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way."
16.
"Don’t trust atoms; they make up everything."
"Don’t trust atoms; they make up everything."
17.
"They say ‘don’t try this at home,’ so I’m coming over to your house to try it."
"They say ‘don’t try this at home,’ so I’m coming over to your house to try it."
18.
"My cooking is so good, even the smoke alarm cheers me on."
"My cooking is so good, even the smoke alarm cheers me on."
19.
"Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe."
"Why do melons have weddings? Because they cantaloupe."
20.
"I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll make an exception."
"I never forget a face—but in your case, I’ll make an exception."
21.
"I’m not a complete idiot—some pieces are missing."
"I’m not a complete idiot—some pieces are missing."
22.
"I’ve learned so much from my mistakes, I’m thinking of making more."
"I’ve learned so much from my mistakes, I’m thinking of making more."
23.
"I’m not lazy; I’m on power-saving mode."
"I’m not lazy; I’m on power-saving mode."
24.
"Some people graduate with honors, I am just honored to graduate."
"Some people graduate with honors, I am just honored to graduate."
25.
"I ate a clock yesterday. It was very time-consuming."
"I ate a clock yesterday. It was very time-consuming."
26.
"I can resist everything except temptation."
"I can resist everything except temptation."
27.
"I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands."
"I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands."
28.
"I always say ‘morning’ instead of ‘good morning,’ because if it was a good morning, I’d still be in bed."
"I always say ‘morning’ instead of ‘good morning,’ because if it was a good morning, I’d still be in bed."
29.
"I thought about losing weight, but I don’t like losing."
"I thought about losing weight, but I don’t like losing."
30.
"A clean house is a sign of a broken computer."
"A clean house is a sign of a broken computer."
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